My Youtube Journey - I've Encountered An Obstacle: I've Offended People.

 The Youtube Journey Continues

Alright, So... 

I only have a few minutes to write this as hastily as I possibly can - because House Of The Dragon comes on in about 15 minutes. It's the series finale for season one. Pretty excited. 

Anyways here comes some verbal diarrhea that I'm gonna write out quickly. 1. I'm pretty sure noone reads this blog - and not gonna lie - I kinda like it that way. Thus far - it feels good to write randomly - and to noone. The only people that will ever read this blog are the rare few who click my description box and scroll all the way to the bottom - and inevitably clicking - leading them here. 

So - When you start a youtube channel - there's a lot of 'baggage' that comes along with it. The first being that your life suddenly doesn't feel as private anymore. 

Another example of the baggage is that sometimes you say something - whether intentionally or unintentionally - that's gonna - lets face it - piss some people off. 

So anyways - a big part of my day (and its been this way since before I started a youtube channel) is waking up - pacing around - and writing what I guess i can consider 'material' and then I attempt to sometimes hash it out on camera. It's not always an attempt at being 'comedic' but most of the time --it is. It's like compiling all the idea garbage that's up in your head. Sometimes - and to put it simply - I get a thought. A weird thought. I write it down - and then I think "how can I make this funny or interesting? 

One of those ideas was that most people online have fake made up internet mental health issues. Specifically: depersonalization. Now - most of the things I say are in a 'tongue and cheek' fashion. I guess comedy has to be somewhat based in truth. And the funny part is: most of the things I find annoying are things that I myself do. I roast myself quite often - and a lot of the things I hate are the things that I myself do regularly. I'm constantly roasting people for being hermits, using the internet too much - fapping a lot, doing drugs - the list goes on and on. I myself do those things habitually - so - to put it simply - if I find something annoying - it's typically something that i myself do. That being said: diagnosing myself with depersonalization is something that I - in the past - have done. I used to regularly tell people "I'm feeling super depersonalized today"

So I made a few jokes about depersonalization that were, honestly, very tame. I actually didn't think in the back of my mind that anyone would be offended by me saying that. And - to be honest - I said it in a light hearted way. I went easy on these people who read about a mental disease online and then suddenly diagnose themselves with it. Which is - quite often  - something I myself do. 

And here's the thing - I will never self censor myself. and to be frank - when I wrote "i offended people" i truly don't mean it in the hacky sorta "look at all these triggered offended people" style that internet grifters are constantly hawwing on about. (i just made up that word.. hawwing isn't a word. I've just added a new word to the english language) 

So I logged in today. and saw a comment - that was pretty reasonable (and in its own way - sort of tongue and cheek) that told me I'm a musician and should stick to my knowledge of that - and don't pretend to be an internet psychologist. I thought the comment was funny - and perfectly reasonable - and to be honest - I'll actually take that critique into personal consideration. 

But under the comment was someone who previously left some pretty nice and heart felt comments saying, essentially "screw this clown unsubbed"

Like.. the dude seemed actually upset. So?

Honestly, I don't know. I considered making a video and mentioning it. but then I remembered - I've wasted half my life watching youtube. I'm literally a youtube addict. So being that I know all of the tips and tricks - the rights and wrongs - the to do's and not-to'do's list - I had to actually stop and think about it. The best thing to do is simply ignore it - and move on.

Bottom line: there will be criticism. I WILL piss people off. And there's nothing I can really do about that. So.. essentially - if I've pissed someone off, or offended them - I gotta just eat it. I personally wish the dude wasn't so offended. at least not offended enough to unsubscribe - but hey - I can't change yesterday - and I can't make the whole world agree with me or bow down to my opinion. 

So - reader - I want you to know - I wrote this out quickly - I'm in a very tame mood. I'm not upset. If anything - I'm super interested. and also - it really reminds me that the youtube journey is a tough journey.

There are a few benefits to not being an online figure and remaining completely anonymous. One of those benefits? you don't have to worry about petty horse shit like this. (lulz) 

So if you want to enjoy the warm grasp of adoration - support - likes - comments - views. All that luciferian "I sold my soul to the devil" shit.. ya gotta accept that ya can't make everyone happy. I wish I could - but I simply just can't. 

And here's the thing: sometimes I feel like I'm addicted to saying awful shit that has the potential to offend a lot of people. A lot of the jokes I make constantly (not this one in particular.. like I said.. this one was pretty tame) are barely teetering over the edge of whats acceptable and whats not acceptable. I'm cringing at my own self while writing this - because I'm making myself out to be some edge lord. I really deep down truly am not. But I made a joke that involved a mass shooting in one of my videos. I thought it was hilarious at the time - but a few days later I went "holy crap.. that has the potential to upset a lot of people" and the funny thing about the internet? it's irreversible. It's forever. 

So I have to blatantly accept that saying whatever you want comes at a cost. and I'm now beginning to understand exactly why all these cookie-cutter youtubers tow the line so often - and barely say anything that offends everyone. It's just.. easier. 

But - and it goes without saying - fuck it. 

Seriously... fuck it. 

I made a sort of 'pact' with myself when I started my channel - Always say what you feel - say it without fear - and never apologize unless the apology is absolutely warranted. If I ever say anything that truly is over the line - and out of order (as the brits say) then yeah - I guess I could apologize if I really deep down feel like I was in the wrong. But I honestly don't see that happening in the near future.

So there's that. Oh - and episode 8 of house of the dragon was some of the best television I've ever seen. Some people are pissed that they changed the cast (because they all grow up) halfway through the season - but to be honest - the new Rhaynera is kinda growing on me. I thought they cast an un-hot actress at first - but she's seriously growing on me.

And I can't watch youtube content about the damn show because there's so many spoilers of people who read fire and blood. Oh, and by the way - I was watching game of thrones season 3 and there's a totally huge spoiler where Joffrey just blatantly says what happens to Rhaynera. I'm so pissed that I saw that. 

Ok the shows on in 5 minutes. Hope you all are doing well.

-B.harm