At this point sobriety feels bleak, difficult, and also unattainable. [also i'm starting a blog]
By Brandon Harmonti
Over the years one of my favorite pastimes has been realizing I'm about to go through an immediate and intense withdrawal, promptly going on youtube, and for the next hour or so watching videos of people who document a daily peak inside their withdrawal symptoms.
I've always considered it one of the most helpful things on youtube. The comments below the video are often very supportive, and filled with people who are doing exactly what the uploader is doing: attempting to get clean with next-to-nothing in regards to supplements that will help ease their pain. Nonetheless, youtube is continually censoring and blacklisting channels that do so - so there's that.
I'm gonna give it to you straight: I need to get sober. It's not even for mental reasons anymore. It's beginning to become physical - because a few months ago - my foot swelled up for the third time in a year. At first I thought it was because my often crippling eczema got really bad (once again) and being that my "itching sweet spot" is located on my ankle - I figured that it was due to that. But then - my other foot swelled up - a foot that, prior to that - was relatively normal.
Now, I'm no doctor (obivously) but something tells me that feet swelling up at age 30 isn't reflective of good health and proper life choices. I even went to the damn doctor and was basically told that I'm fine. My overall view of the medical since 2020 is that the whole damn thing is in shambles. I haven't trusted a doctor in almost 3 years - and that's mainly because I present myself in the doctors only to be scoffed at and told I'm fine.. and I'm like "uh.. hey, uh, doc? my foot is swelling up and looks all pink and shit" and then they just prescribe me antibiotics and send me on my way.
Even my father (who is prescribed a biologic shot for his psoriasis - for the past 2 years - even when he calls up his doctor to get his shot they often don't call him back for a few days - and make him jump through about 50 thousand loopholes just to get his shot - that - prior to 2020: was pretty damn easy and simple.
Anyways I knew this would happen - I'm ranting about eczema now - and how I hate modern doctors. That's because I write the way I think - and also, I write very fast. You may be wondering "who is this handsome idiot - and why is he making a blog?" well, to be honest with you, I need to tone up my writing skills. I write scripts a lot for youtube videos - and sometimes I feel pretty confident in my writing skills because I can write very quickly: in a sense - I can write how fast I talk. But I don't think I write properly. I'm constantly putting those little "-" symbols in place of commas - and I have no idea if thats the proper way to write. But anyways....
But Anyways... About sobriety
So I've been doing drugs since I was about 16.. and the scary part is: I feel like I haven't been sober for more than a week since my drug journey began. That's a scary thought - and I'm constantly wondering - Is my body really this resiliant?
Because, on the surface level, I don't really look like an addict. I know a lot of addicts that - when continuing their drug use after the age of 30 - tend to always end up looking like popeye. Especially female addicts. I know, that feels like a super mean to say - but its true. The next time a homeless chick comes up to you on pennsyvania avenue in Baltimore - observe her chin and cheeks - they totally start looking like popeye. (i wonder if I can add images to this blog - i totally feel like adding a picture of popeye. Old popeye. That big chinned cartoon bastard.
I'm too lazy to figure out if I can upload pictures. Just picture popeye in your mind.
So.. One thing that makes me feel better (in the very least) is that I was on the harder drugs up until about 2016. And when I say hard drugs: I mean heroin. I was a straight up junkie for about 5-6 years. BUT.... (and that's a very big BUT) for the past few years I've pretty much only dabbled with very innocent drugs. The kind of innocent drugs that only losers buy because they don't know any good plugs so they buy the lowest of the low. Teeny bopper drugs. Drugs like suboxone and gabapentin.
Now, as we all know, suboxone is supposed to be a maintenance drug (or a withdrawal drug) that helps people get off heroin. It's supposedly not supposed to have any recreational effects - but for me? - it totally does. I can easily take a 2 mg suboxone and work on writing scripts for youtube videos for the next 16 hours - and I can repeat that for days upon days. It's honestly much like adderall - just - there isn't a terrible crash. Just a nice warm opiate feeling that motivates me to get on with my day. And the best part? when I take suboxone - I'm never visibly high. I always am just in a super chipper mood - and can work like an absolutely beast.
So.. That's my reason for taking suboxone. It's the supreme motivator.
But when I want to relax: I totally abuse gabapentin. Yes.. Gabapentin.
A few years ago I saw a (I think it was vice?) video about gabapentin addiction in Scotland. It chronicled the tales of a young lad who would speed around town hitting up all his gabapentin plugs - and he essentially acted like a heroin junkie - only it wasn't for heroin - it was for gabapentin.
One of the top comments said "what's next.. fucking tylenol addiction?"
And that comment always got to me, and seriously kinda pissed me off. Now - I truly believe (and trust me.. I've been testing out this theory for awhile) that gabapentin only gives euphoria to about 1 in 6 people. I know this because I'm constantly giving them to people - and they totally don't get as high as I do. Most people just report feeling tired - or sluggish. One time I gave this chick 3 and she called me up the next day practically yelling my head off because she spent like $50 to go to a "club" in DC and proceeded to take the 3 pills I gave her - stated taking shots of vodka - and spent the night puking in her car while her friends were inside having the youthful 'time of their lives'
I was like... you idiot - I didn't tell you to mix it with numerous shots of cheap overpriced vodka, now did I ?
I hate it when you give girls pills out of the good and kindness of your heart and then they turn around and give drunk at a stupid club in blame you for the $600 cost it took to fix the throwup stains they themselves created in the backseat of their shitty ford focus that they overpaid for.
Anyways - the scariest part about sobriety is - essentially- always the withdrawal. I have a friend who is a maintenance alcoholic - and he's constantly getting sober for weeks at a time. Here's the thing: he never reports any withdrawal symptoms. Only mild anxiety - and dreams that he fell off the wagon and began drinking again.
For me - withdrawal - in its purest sense - is hell on earth. It always starts with what I've deemed "the morning fear" which is when you wake up - pretty much every day - and have an existential crisis. Your throat falls into your stomach - and you realize the next 2 weeks are going to be an inevitable hellscape that has a solution that just so happens to be up the street so long as you have $10.
So I'm gonna keep this blog post nice and short: it's basically a declaration that I need to get sober. Soon. Now. It needs to happen.
So on my youtube channel I devised a scheme where I can upload 'vlog' videos that revolve around me getting sober. It's going to suck - and that's because videos are only fun to make when you're fucking high.
I don't think I've ever created anything when I wasn't high. Being high is the ultimate motivator. It's a way of life. It gets me out of bed in the morning. And from here on out - I'm going to have to find something else to chase. Something that isn't drugs.
That is all.
-B. Harmonti
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