My Experience Joining The Orthodox Church

     So...... This "written style" blog thing I'm doing has mostly lied dormant - I think I made a post 2 months ago? My procrastinating mind is telling me to get back into it. Afterall: it's fun to right. And if there's anything I'm good at: it's writing very fast. 

So I attended my first "Divine Liturgy" last week. I got my crazy uncle to come with me - mainly because I have social anxiety: and was afraid to walk into a church filled with people I don't know. If you have social anxiety: the thought of doing that is literal torture.

    So we went. We woke up bright and early - and I rushed around attempting to find any rendition of what could pass as "church clothes" I found an old pair of damp khaki pants that had some sort of fruit juice stain on it. I found some brown shoes - but the sole things at the bottom were half hanging off. I put on an uncomfortable button up shirt that I sometimes where with my 1960s mad men suit: and me and my uncle were out the door.

    On the way there - my uncle ranted about a bunch of stuff. You see: he's kinda crazy: but he's kind of borderline brilliant as well. One thing I love about my uncle Barry is he's constantly riffing and telling jokes. A lot of his jokes don't land: but I'm a firm believer that you have to be brave enough to tell 100 bad jokes, because, ya never know - maybe 1 or two of them will be actually good. Oh, and my uncle knows a lot about the bible. He's a super christian. I swear it.

    It was a beautiful morning.We drove 10 minutes into the nearby town and pulled into the church. But here's the thing: there were barely any cars there. I have a theory about that (by the way) I think that the russian orthodox church is the one true church - and they're not plaguing their church with heresy and all this LGBT shit. Let's face it: all churches are becoming fucking woke. And I can't stand it. 

    We walked in and the father (who is an extremely swell human being - the guy literally radiates positive, warm energy) was walking around lighting candles and all that. We were the only ones there: and we didn't know what to do. So we just sorta stood there. 

    The service started which mainly consisted of hymns and beautiful singing. Some people say that Brian Wilson is the master of doing 8 part vocal harmonies: but these guys knocked ol' Brian Wilson out of the park. I swear: it almost felt like divine intervention. Like they were literally channeling the holy spirit through their voices. It was absolutely beautiful.

    A bunch more people poured in: dressed in black robes: and continued singing a quasi-mix of latin, russian, and I think English? one thing i've learned about orthodoxy is "lord have mercy" is said a lot. Also "unto the ages of ages" is also said a lot.

    People began doing ritualistic things like turning to the side - and doing that thing where they touch their head and both shoulders. I awkwardly stood there: and attempted to do it: but pretty much failed. 

    One of the chanters kept staring at me. I was wondering if he was literally looking into my soul, To be honest: it kind of creeped me out. My soul is mostly pure: but let's face it: I have a ton of fucking demons that torment me constantly. 

    My uncle eventually looked at me and said "wanna go?" and at first I thought he didn't agree with the ritualistic practice of the church - or considered it "heresy" but actually: his back just really hurt. And mine did too. So we just freaking left. It felt so damn rude.. and I worried about it for the rest of the day.

    The next day I emailed the father and apologized - and was told I could have one free zoom call talking to the priest directly. So we set it up. I talked to him for about a half hour. I asked questions. You see - i'm really fascinated by the orthodox way. I legit think it's really dope. One thing you can do is set up an alter in your room. and you pray standing up. and the prayers you do are very sing songy.

    And here's another thing: I'm sick of protestant christians. A lot of them believe that if a hurricane hit your town: and you knew you were about to face sudden death - that saying "I accept jesus as my lord and savior" will get you into heaven. I don't believe that at all. I believe that one has to literally repent and make an actual attempt to stop sinning. 

    Most of my sins are: being a sloth, being a hedonist, porn addict, drug addict, I'm half a narcisist, and I'm extremely self centered and I often steal a lot. So I'm trying to change all that. 

    So this morning: I went to "intro to orthodoxy" and as soon as I walked in I had extreme social anxiety. I did my best to come off as normal: because afterall - every Harmonti in my family has something called "the Harmonti charm" which means we can pretty much fake our way through anything and pretend, if only for a second, to be extremely thoughtful and charistmatic. 

    

    I talked to this old lady who you could tell was a fox when she was younger. She was really sweet. There was a mixture of both old and young people: and Father George was there as well. I kind of gave him a look like "please save me" because I'm partly diving into Christianity because I'm tired of being a hedonistic drug addict.

    But: the service thing (intro to orthodoxy) lasted hours. And it kind of felt like school. I began feeling really impatient: but at the same time I was really interested in all of the odd things orthodox people do and believe. It's very ritualistic. It kind of resembles the Catholic faith in a weird way.  

Eventually we walked up into the church and the Father explained this whole thing that has to do with bread. They bake a thing of bread: and there are all these symbols on it. Wine is involved: and it's a lot of really complicated stuff.

    It's going to take me a very long time to learn all this.. BUT... I'm very happy. and I'm very excited. I feel at peace: and I finally feel like I found the one true religion.

    Listen: we're in the end times. If you haven't figured that out yet you're either ignorant, or stupid. I don't know which is worse. The entire planet is consolidating into a creepy sorta "one world government" and I believe the prophecy of revelations is right around the corner.

    So yeah.. there's that. I wrote this in 7 minutes and didn't backspace once. It's my "Jack Keruoac" style of writing.

    Hope ya liked it - and God Bless! 

Lord.. Jesus Christ.. Son Of God.. Have mercy on me, a sinner.

-B.Harm